Bright orange hurts my eyes badly. I have been reading nevertheless.

Having lived for about twice as long as I have, it would seem really stupid and you probably wouldn’t believe me if I were to say that I have had a little taste of what you wrote about. The real thing, I guess, would be what I experienced, magnified by a few times. Imo, as you grow, so does the your responsibilities and pain.

Nothing you say is stupid. I was 15 once too. And if you seem so, youth is forgivable.

Pride however is less easy to take.

You're not proud and I know so, so I am fond of you already.

I'm proud of you already.

I once told my cousin this. "I know you're hurting. And I want to tell you some good news.

First, the good news.

It gets better.

Now the bad news.

Nobody knows when it'll happen."

Now if you're reading this, dear cousin. I've not shut you merely off because you would not listen. I shut you out because I can't handle it, either.

Who am I to shore someone up, when I am still struggling within?

Anyway, you whose post I quoted...

We stand on the same page.

But I'm farther along, and I know it will work out. I do believe it that you've experienced a little of it.

Just hang in there. All the other options suck way worse.

When I broke up with my ex in 2004 (and ended up hurting myself beyond reason), I had only one friend who had anything good to tell me.

His words.

"Let it go. Take it easy. Don't be so hard on yourself."


This is a guy who once contemplated jumping off a building and cutting his head off on a piano wire on the way down. He was extremely specific on the mechanics on how that would happen. I could not compete, cannot begin to compete even now. On the force of his testimony, I have to pick myself up.

His dad died when he was 11, and his life was way crappier than yours or mine combined. His first girlfriend killed herself. When his dad died, his family of five were so poor, they ate fish curry everyday for meals. They could not afford bread, and their fish curry had no fish in it.

He had to work his way through A levels, as a overnight security guard in Tuas. He ironed his uniform at work. His class tutor berated him every day for coming to school late, until one day my friend finally said, "Why, instead of scolding me, do you not ever ask me why I am always late for school?" He never saw a good thing for education thereafter, he could not afford it. He even had to borrow money to pay for his A levels exams.

Yet he remains, the most well-read person I know of who is not a graduate.

He is unreservedly, however the only person I know of who has on his hands, 11 or more fingers on which he can count the number of friends he can call at anytime. and they will come to his aid, should he but just call and not even say why. At any time of the day.

Such is true friendship. I am one of them fingers, today. I wish you such a friendship. His one rule was this: "Don't oblige anyone." I wish I could do that.

And I don't have many friends...

That is not to say we must be miserable to find our way in life, and even knowing that other people have had a shittier life, won't make us find true happiness either. Every human being finds an excuse to be miserable, and you and I are not exclusive. I learnt this in English Literature, but you don't have to go to that trouble. Just open your eyes.


Sorry for being so drunk and callous previously. Nobody really engaged me on this much of a personal level until I read what you have to say.



Also, I don't really like orange that much either. But it will do for now. I don't want to give up fighting and orange seemed a good colour. Not yet red, and not quite yellow. It is what I need right now.

A good middle ground to deal.

Oh yea last note: I too believe that "Growing up, it’s such a tough and seemingly never-ending process... A wall that I’ve been building to separate me and others, and another to quarantine me from myself.

... This is a silent apology to all those whom I let down. Knowing that I do not want the rest of my life spent with me going through this shit, I have chosen my path."

Well to be honest, I find the whole process fun now. I am intellectally honest with myself. I believe in sharing and also in building walls.

Reconcile all contradictions. If you do not have walls, you end up being everyone's opinion. You must be your own eyes and ears, and yet be a person who can help other people where you can, and withdraw where you cannot.

Balanced individual, wot?

Mentally healthy, wot???


No more to say for tonight.

Lets just keep talking.

Oh, Chrissy?


Dear Chrissy...

Calendar Girl.

Who's in love with the world...

Stay alive...

Calendar girl

Who is lost in the world...

Stay alive.


Let it go. Take it easy. Don't be so hard on yourself.