This is depressing.

I've just realised that I need the extreme highs and lows of life to be happy.

I am addicted to feelings.

WHen I was attached, I needed the lows of loneliness. I longed for it.

WHen I am alone I longed to be attached to feel the bliss of being in love.

I was spot on two years ago when I lost my job:



"It seems to me that if you place music (and books, probably, and films, and plays, and anything that makes you feel) at the centre of your being, then you can't afford to sort out your love life, start to think of it as the finished product. You've got to pick at it, keep it alive and in turmoil, you've got to pick at it and unravel it until it all comes apart and you're compelled to start all over again. Maybe we all live life at too high a pitch, those of us who absorb emotional things all day, and as a consequence we can never feel merely content: we have to be unhappy, or esctatically, head-over-heels happy, and those states are difficult to achieve within a stable solid relationshp."


"It's only just beginning to occur to me that it's important to have something going on somewhere, at work or at home, otherwise you're just clinging on... You need as much ballast as possible to stop you floating away; you need people around you, things going on, otherwise life is like some film where the money ran out, and there are no sets, or locations, or supporting actors, and it's just one bloke on his own staring into the camera with nothing to do and nobody to speak to, and who'd believe in this character then?"

Its not you, its me.....................

Damn it.