- IT SUCKS TO BE ME -




KATE MONSTER
Morning, Brian!
How's life?

BRIAN
Disappointing!

KATE MONSTER
What's the matter?

BRIAN
When I was little
I thought I would be...

KATE MONSTER
What?

BRIAN
A big comedian
on late night TV

But now I'm thirty-two
And as you can see
I'm not

KATE MONSTER
Nope!

BRIAN
Oh Well,
It sucks to be me.

KATE MONSTER
Nooo.

BRIAN
It sucks to be me.

KATE MONSTER
No!

BRIAN
It sucks to be broke
and unemployed
and turning thirty-three.
It sucks to be me.

KATE MONSTER
You think your life sucks?

BRIAN
Oh I think so.

KATE MONSTER
Your problems aren't so bad!
I'm kinda pretty
And pretty damn smart.

BRIAN
You are.

KATE MONSTER
Thanks!
I like romantic things
Like music and art.
And as you know
I have a gigantic heart

So why don't I have
A boyfriend?

Fuck!
It sucks to be me!

BRIAN
Me too.

KATE MONSTER
It sucks to be me.

BRIAN
It sucks to be me.
It sucks to be Brian...

KATE MONSTER
And Kate...

BRIAN
To not have a job!

KATE MONSTER
To not have a date!

BOTH
It sucks to be me.

COMMOTION

ROD
You leave your
clothes out.
You put your feet
On my chair.

NICKY
Oh yeah?
You do such anal
Things like ironing
Your underwear.

ROD
You make that very
Small apartment
We share

a hell.

NICKY
So do you,
That's why I'm

in hell too!

ROD
It sucks to be me!

NICKY
No, it sucks to be me!

KATE MONSTER
It sucks to be me!

BRIAN
It sucks to be me!

ALL
Is there anybody here
It doesn't suck to be?
It sucks to be me!

SINGING


CHRISTMAS EVE
You think your life suck?
I coming to this country
For opportunities.
Tried to work in
Chinese deli
But I am Japanese.
But with hard work
I earn two Master's Degrees
In social work!
And now I a therapist!
But I have no clients
And I have an
Unemployed fiance'!
And we have lots
Of bills to pay!

PAUSE


It suck to be me!
It suck to be me!
I say it
Sucka-Sucka-Sucka-Sucka-
Sucka-Sucka-Sucka-Sucka-
Sucka-Sucka-Sucka-Sucka-
Suck!
It suck to be me!

PRINCETON
Excuse me?

BRIAN
Hey there.

PRINCETON
Sorry to bother you, but I'm
looking for a place to live.

BRIAN
You need to talk to
the superintendent.
Let me get him.

PRINCETON
Great, thanks!

BRIAN
Yo, Gary!

GARY COLEMAN
I'm comin'!

PRINCETON
Oh my God!
It's Gary Coleman!

GARY COLEMAN
Yes I am!
I was the cutest black kid on tv
I made a lotta money
That my parents stole from me
Now I'm broke and
I'm the butt
Of everyone's jokes,
But I'm here -
Fixing the court
On Avenue Q -

ALL
It sucks to be you.

KATE MONSTER
You win!

ALL
It sucks to be you.

BRIAN
I feel better now!

GARY COLEMAN
Try having people
stopping you to ask
"What you talkin' 'bout, Willis?"
It gets old.

ALL
It sucks to be you
On Avenue Q
(Sucks to be me)
On Avenue Q
(Sucks to be you)
On Avenue Q
(Sucks to be us)
But not when
We're together.
We're together
Here on Avenue Q!
We live on Avenue Q!
Our friends do too!
'Til our dreams
Come true,
We live on Avenue Q!

GARY COLEMAN
Here's your keys!

ALL
Welcome to Avenue Q!




That was me. i am 32 and a former comedian. I was unemployed and now I'm turning 33.

What's so hot about being me now? There's so much more I'm not saying here.

I am so pissed off.

Fuck.

You know, FUCK. Whose face can I break?

Then small things like these come along and cheer me up somewhat:



I love Sesame Street.


Change. It is all I've got.

Five cents, 1 cents, 50 cents, etc.

Fuck!

I am hoping that some day, it all adds up.