- START -

Those of us who have studied literature are charged with an unusual task.

It is to find humanity in inhumanity, to prove the good where none exists, and to bring the equal to every sage, every sinner, and everyone who thought he was cursed.

Sadly most of us find it our calling to become teachers for the MOE, book sellers at Kino/Borders or disgruntled assessment book editors.

I am proud to be a lit grad.


And today, I learned the difference between chicken hotdogs and pork hotdogs.

That lit degree is serving me just fine, thank you very much.

- FUCK IT -

- AFTER THOUGHT -

To: Michael Crow

Office of the President
Arizona State University
PO Box 877705
Tempe AZ 85287-7705

Dear President Crow:

cc: Vice President/ Dean CLAS David A. Young:

I am writing this letter to notify the Office of the President of Arizona State University — as well as the College of Liberal Arts and Sciences — that I am thoroughly dissatisfied with the Bachelor’s of Arts degree in English Literature that I purchased from your institution via layaway in August of 2003.

Despite repeated attempts in different situations (job interviews, ice cream socials, blind dates, carnivals, etc…) the product I purchased from you fails to live up to the promises extended to me. The thing flat-out does not work. It has garnered me not one iota of respect, admiration, or financial gain and I would appreciate a full or partial refund at your earliest convenience.

I would also ask to have my refund sent to me by way of cash or money order since I am currently sorting through some personal banking issues and unable to use checks.

If your return policy disallows full or partial refunds, I may be interested in an exchange of some sort — perhaps either a Bachelor’s of Sciences degree in Computer Engineering or a Master’s in Business Administration (I believe it’s also referred to as an MBA). I’ve heard some pretty good things about those products.

Note: Please do not send me an exchange degree in Art History, or Political Science, or any other “liberal arts” (whatever that means) subject, as my experience with the English degree has really kind of turned me off of those.

Again, I am very dissatisfied with my B.A. in English Literature degree that I purchased from you in August of 2003 and would appreciate — and expect — either: a) a full or partial refund (again, in cash or money order form); or b) an exchange degree (preferably in Computer engineering or some type of Doctorate).

Please send response or payment to my parents’ address as I am sort of in-between residences at the moment and “couch-crashing” with some friends:

11843 Bloomington Way

Danville, CA 94568

Thanks in advance for your cooperation and time.

Sincerely,

Jean-Pierre Lacrampe

P.S. One of my cousins is in law school. That’s not a threat. I’m just saying.

* * * * * * * *

From: “Dan Bivona” DBivona@asu.edu

Subject: Your recent email

Dear Mr. Lacrampe:

Your recent email to President Crow and Dean Young was forwarded to me. As Dean of the Division of Undergraduate Programs I am of course always interested to hear from alumni - especially alumni from the English Department — and would like to invite you to give me a call to discuss the issues raised by your email. My direct line is 480-965-10– or you can email me at Dan.Bivona@asu.edu. Give me a call or send me an email to let me know when you want to talk and I will call you back so that the charges do not appear on your phone bill.

Best wishes,

Dan Bivona

Dean of the Division of Undergraduate Programs

Associate Professor of English

College of Liberal Arts and Sciences

Arizona State UniversityTempe, AZ 85287-6605

dbivona@asu.edu

http://www.public.asu.edu/~dbivona/

* * * * * * * *

To: Dan Bivona

Dear Mr. Bivona,

cc: To Whom it May Concern:

I really appreciate your speedy reply — I’d love to get my refund or exchange figured out as soon as possible since I’m a little light on spending cash this month. I wish I could give you a phone number where I can be reached, but unfortunately I am moving around a lot, transient-like. I am able, however, to check e-mail fairly regularly at the San Francisco Public Library (I tried to use the phone there once and the librarian just about bit me). But, I do have a permanent address (my parent’s house) where you can send the refund check or exchange degree (although I’m not exactly allowed back there until a few debts are settled).

As for exchange degree options (if that’s the school’s preference): Do you have any suggestions? In the Examiner this week, I saw an ad for an Account Executive position with a marketing firm here in the City. They specified that they prefer candidates with MBA degrees. The thing is, I think I would be perfect for this job (it pays like 6 figures, depending on experience, with a 401K and vacation time). So, an MBA would be fine with me. Also, your job looks pretty cool. What kind of degree do you have? Do you think that would be a good one for me to get? Let me know what you think.

Looking forward to hearing from you.

Busily Yours (Hopefully),

Jean-Pierre

c/o M. Lacrampe

11843 Bloomington Way

Danville, CA 94568

* * * * * * * *

To: Dan Bivona

Dan,

I’m afraid I cannot hide my disappointment in you not replying to my last correspondence. I thought we were on the same page as far as punctuality was concerned.

Maybe you’re on vacation or something? Hawaii, Dan? I bet it’s lovely this time of year. Last night, another vagrant stole my shoes. The streets of San Francisco are not as soft as the pillowy sands of Maui, Dan.

The job I was hoping to land at the time of my last epistle has regrettably been filled. However, a rather nasty assistant assured me that similar positions do open up from time to time. But that doesn’t mean we can sit on this indefinitely. The next time opportunity knocks, I want to be ready.

That’s where you come in. You seemed eager to rectify this situation before and I hope you haven’t lost steam due to your vacation. Write me back with what you feel is suitable compensation (you still haven’t told me what degree you’ve got) and we can hash this thing out. I’ll be awaiting your reply.

Eagerly,

Jean-Pierre

P.S. ASU isn’t hiring, are they?

- FUCK IT FO REAL -